Sometimes Wine Makes Me Yawn

Why doesn't everyone drink wine?
Well, I'll tell ya, pilgrim. It’s because most people still equate wine with the elite. Not that that’s entirely wrong…I mean, rarely, if at all, do you see someone at the local bowling alley swirling a glass of 2005 Chateau Lafite or 1962 Musigny as they wait patiently for their gutter ball’s return. But why shouldn’t wine be consumed by everyone, including those in a league sporting shirts with pins on the breast pocket?! Granted, some may not be able to afford first growth Bordeaux, but they can still enjoy a glass of Beaujolais with the rest of us.

Why are we, the American peeps, so intimated by the juice? Like a lot of other wine enthusiasts, I blame it on prohibition! So now that we’ve solved that, let’s move on and start enjoying "the nectar of the Gods" in the same way that our founding fathers did. Remember Thomas Jefferson, our 3rd “Presidente” and principal author of our Declaration of Independence? He was a huge fan of the juice, especially French wine.

(Side note: There was an incident that occurred within the wine industry not long ago, and things have not been the same since. In 1985, a bottle of 1787 Chateau Lafite was sold at a Christie's auction in London. The bottle supposedly belonged to Thomas Jefferson, and it fetched a price tag to the tune of $156,450! Malcolm Forbes was the "lucky" buyer. A few years later, a lawsuit was filed by billionaire Bill Koch, and a book titled The Billionaire's Vinegar was published. Seems that in 1988, Mr. William Koch bought 4 of these bottle for $500,000, and then proceeded to research their authenticity. The results? Counterfeit! Aside from the rule, “Always try to verify an old label’s provenance,” what have we learned from this? That drama occurs among the stiff shirts just as much as it does Hollywood ...take that, Kim, and your five minute marriage!)

Another reason I believe that the atmosphere at wine tastings has taken on such pomp and circumstance is the British Invasion. It certainly didn’t come from my Italian grandfather, who drank his Chianti from a glass jelly jar. As far as cultures go, I'm of the opinion that the Brits have the most starch in their collars, and their approach to wine has certainly confirmed that for me. Hello, Christie’s and Sotheby's.

Which lends itself to the next question; Why are most wine tastings/events so boring to the average bear?





Let me set the stage of what it’s like to attend the average wine tasting. The first thing you’ll see is a large table which seats 8 to 10 people, sometimes as many as 15, with three to four wine glasses on the right hand side of the dinner plate. As you enter the room, a fluted glass of champagne is served to "open the palate.” Within 30 minutes, attendees are asked to be seated so that the tasting can begin. The first flight of wine is poured, and the sommelier usually announces each wine as the course is served.

The table is obnoxiously quiet (unless I'm there ;-0). Next comes the process of examining the glass by tilting it upon the white table cloth or holding it up to the light for signs of its condition, followed by The Swirl... some hold the glass in the air (for the record, I find this the most painfully hoity-toity way of swirling), while most leave the glass on the table, hold onto the base of the stem and move the glass in a tight, circular clockwise motion, approximately three times. This releases the aromas of the wine and allows for the most crucial part of the tasting to commence – The Sniffing. I like to say, The Nose Knows! (It's really all about the nose, so if your honker is clogged, you might as well stay home since you will not be able to enjoy anything, including food, with a broken beak.) Then finally, The Taste... just a small amount to circulate around the mouth, and, if you're really good, you’ll suck air simultaneously into your mouth while the wine remains pooled below your tongue. At this point there are two options: expectorate (yes, spit) or swallow.

This process of three/four wines per course will generally continue for the next 2 to 3 hours, but I've been to tastings where the wine and food kept coming from what seemed like an endless supply. Honestly, by the fourth flight of wines, they could have served Turning Leaf, and even the most astute palate wouldn’t have known the difference. What really kills me is not the bounty of dishes and flights, but that they usually serve the best wines last... sigh.


In between the food and wine there may be some conversation, but what I find most curious is the lack of opinions shared on the wine. Rarely do people speak up (unless they're at my table ;-0)!
Truth is, everyone has something to say; they're just afraid they'll be wrong. That’s just plain CRAZY, since wine, like art, or even dating, is subjective. Take George Clooney (get in line, ladies). Not everyone thinks he’s hot, right? Okay, most do, but certainly not all. Anyway, bottom line about most wine tastings is that if you're not up to sitting for a long time next to strangers who may not even talk to you the entire evening, all while consuming large quantities of wine and high caloric dishes, I suggest you take a pass.



What about wine events? Okay here's the lowdown on what it's like to attend a typical wine event. Sometimes, but not always, qualified sommeliers will be the ones pouring the wine behind each of the stations. They will rattle off a bunch of information that you’ll more than likely forget as soon as it leaves their lips, including how to pronounce the names of most French, Italian and especially German wines.

Depending on the cost of the event, the wines are usually donated by distributors trying to promote their products. Problem is, most do not represent themselves with their best wines but rather with their more affordable ones. Outcome? Lots of expectorating! This now lends the question, "How do I enjoy myself at a wine event?" For starters, bring friends, because even though you would think a wine event is the perfect venue to meet people, it's really not. Why? Again, it goes back to most people keeping to themselves. Also, before you commit to the event, you may want to do some research on the wines being offered. The price is not always a true indicator, as there are lots of very affordable events where the juice is actually quite tasty.



I was attending so many of these serious wine events that I was inspired to create the type of tastings and events that I would want to attend myself: ones where the atmosphere was social, lively and engaging; where the sommelier’s nose wasn’t stuck in the clouds as he spoke of the various aromas of a typical Pinot Noir; and where playful wine games were used to help educate curious tasters.



As a matter of fact, I just hosted a small wine event in Hoboken (insert plug here) featuring a selection of bubblies (you may want to skip this part, as I'm about to unabashedly toot my own horn, just like I do about my meatballs). I create fun, interactive wine events and wine tastings where people laugh, relax and get to know each other as they experience wines they may never had thought to try. My hope is that they walk away less intimated by wine than when they first arrived, and better yet, end the night having made a new friend or two. To me, that’s what wine is all about - enjoyment on every level!



(This past wine event took place at the W New York hotel on Lexington.)

P.S.: Don't get me wrong I also enjoy traditional wine tastings. It just depends on who is hosting it. As a matter of fact, I recently returned from Chicago where Hart Davis Hart held a Leroy (pronounced "Le-wha") tasting at RIA, the fabulous restaurant located in the lovely Elysian Hotel. Afterwards, Marc Smoler, HDH's MM, took a bunch of us for a Wiener Circle run where he brought a mag of Muga for us to enjoy with our Chi-dog! ...
Go Marc!
For the record, NO chocolate milk shakes were ordered. ; )