House Guests and Fish…

Remember your mom telling you that guests are like fish? After three days, they begin to stink? Well, what she failed to mention was that there are some people who start stinking in less than 24 hours, making you wonder, "Who raised these people?" Perhaps Romulus and Remus had siblings that the myth overlooked, and the folks that show up at your doorstep bearing gifts that they open and drink themselves are kin to those famous – or infamous – Romans.




(Before I continue to share my tale of The Guest from "What the Hell?", I must preface this blog by stating that his antics, however annoying and inappropriate they may have been, did not ruin my or any of my other guests’ holiday. Actually, he did me a service by teaching my teenage boys how NOT to behave! My sons also had an opportunity to witness just how wonderful visitors can be. My younger son even commented that he loved having our house guests, as it made him feel like he was part of a fun fraternity. Take Romain from Burgundy. He did, and is still doing, an excellent job representing France. His graciousness and appreciation for my hospitality would dispel any negative feelings one might have toward the land where fashion and fine wine reign.

For me, I have to own my part in this debacle. I need to learn that, before I open my home to someone, we must first put in a significant amount of quality “face time.” As my boys would say, "My bad!”



As for my Thanksgiving feast and the wines that shined? I must admit, without any modesty, that everything rated a double YUM! As I mentioned in my earlier blog, paring wines to a Thanksgiving dinner can be a challenge, but the other two challenges are worse: yielding a moist turkey, and making sure all the sides are served simultaneously hot.



An absolute must for any kitchen is a timer. I'd be lost without mine. Same goes for a meat thermometer (don't rely on that plug that pops out when the bird is done unless you want it overdone)! Another big help to guarantee that everything comes out just the way you like is to create a schedule and post it on the fridge: one that includes all the details from when to baste the turkey to what time the asparagus goes into the oven. My personal To Do List also has things like what time to light the candles, when to put a fire on in the fireplace, when to turn on the porch lights and music, and of course, what time to chill the wines and decant the reds. No need to tell me when to pop the champagne, as there is nothing nicer than sipping on a cold, crisp rose any time of day. Murph, my WFF, made sure of that as he helped me in the kitchen.

My menu consisted of tangerine glazed turkey with apricot stuffing, artichokes, mushroom soup, broccoli soup, acorn squash with apple-pie filling, Brussels sprouts, grilled asparagus with roasted garlic and of course, yams with marshmallow topping (‘cause it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without ‘em)! Originally, I was going to make two turkeys, but at the last moment I settled on one. So happy I did, but I will share with you what I think is a great cooking tip: I made the mushroom gravy from Chef Dave Martin's class into soup, and kept it simmering on the stove in a double boiler. When it was time to make the gravy for my bird, the soup was turned into gravy in no time flat by simply raising the heat and whisking away at it for a few minutes... loooove it!

The lineup of wines was fantastic, especially since Murph, a.k.a. Monsieur La Tache, brought a few gems from his personal collection. But for me, the double magnum of 1992 Corton-Charlemagne Tollot-Beaut & Fils we opened to toast not only the day but my son Grant’s return from his five month stay in China was, to quote Murph, "Superb.” The capsule was collapsed and there was some concern about the condition of the wine, but once the juice was poured and the intense yet delicate aromas of this 19 year-old chardonnay were released, it was, for me, the star of the show. (An interesting story about the wine: Corton-Charlemagne is named after the Emperor Charlemagne. His wife ordered that a percentage of the vineyard be cleared and then filled with the chardonnay grape. Why? Well, Charlemagne was known to dribble now and again, and when drinking a favorite red, would stain his royal beard!)

Now back to The Guest. While mulling over the best way to describe what it’s like to host someone whose idea of How to be a Good Guest is the polar opposite of mine, I decided to have some fun and create a little quiz. I call it:

Are You a Guest from WTH?! For those not text savvy
WTH stands for: What- The - Hell!

Here are the Scores:

If you score an “O” (pronounced with a prolonged oooh), you're not terrible, but you could still use a refresher course in proper etiquette. You have not burned any bridges, and you may still be included at the next meaningless, large get-together.

If you score an “OM” (that stands for "Oh MY!", and is pronounced with a prolonged “y” on “My.” Just for emphasis, let’s raise the voice an octave on the “My” as well!), be aware that people are looking at you sideways and trying to figure out if your company is truly worth their time.

If you score an “OMG” (pronounced “Oh” – pause here – “My” – another slight pause – then GOD! Hold the GOD to drive home your point…), consider yourself crossed off the invite list. Actually, consider yourself crossed off everything else, too.

Ready? Let’s go!

1.When arriving at the home where you will be a guest for five nights, do you bring a hostess gift?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No




2. When bringing liquor as a hostess gift, is it appropriate to open and drink the gift?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No


3. When it's time to eat, or clear the dinner table, is it okay to not help?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No





4. Is it okay to leave dirty glasses and empty water bottles around the host’s home?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No




5. Is it okay to appear in the kitchen, barefoot wearing a tee shirt and boxers, or, if you're a girl, panties?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No








6. Is it okay to leave your bed unmade?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No










7. Is it okay to go on your hostess's computer without permission?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No


8. Is it okay to take your hostess's vehicle without permission?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No





9. If you are granted permission to take your hostess's vehicle, is it okay to drive over the speed limit ?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No






10. When driving your hostess’s car, is it okay NOT to pay tolls and simply plow through them?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No








11. Is it okay to psychoanalyze your hostess and her guests in conversation?
A. Yes
B. Maybe
C. No














Question 12.
Is it okay to show up at the party with some of your friends?

A- Yes
B- Maybe
C- NO






Scoring:

Question 1:
If you answered Yes, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 2 points
If you answered No, score yourself 10 points!


Question 2:
If you answered No, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 2 points (If it’s understood that what you’ve brought is for the dinner, then it’s okay)
If you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!

Question 3:
If you answered No, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 2 points (Exceptions? Maybe a broken leg?)
If you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!

Question 4:
If you answered No, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 1 point (Provided it only happens once)
If you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!

Question 5:
If you answered No, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 2 points
If you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!

Question 6:
If you answered No, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 8 points (If there’s a cleaning person, you’re off the hook)
If you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!

Question 7:
If you answered No, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 2 points
If you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!

Question 8:
If you answered No, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 3 points
If you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!

Question 9:
If you answered No, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 3 points (if it’s within 5 to 8 miles max)
If you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!

Question 10
If you answered No, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 3 points (if it’s an emergency, call 911!)
If you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!



Question 11
If you answered No, score yourself 0 points
If you answered Maybe, score yourself 2 points
If you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!

Question 12
If you answered No score yourself 0 points
if you answered Maybe score yourself 3 points
if you answered Yes, score yourself 10 points!


Results:

If you scored 10 to 15 points, you're an OH!
If you scored 15 to 40 points, you're an OH MY!!
If you scored 40 to 60 or more points, you're an OH MY GOD!