The Joys of Parenting

Remember the TV commercial with the girl in the bathtub chanting, “Calgon, Take Me Away?” Well, anyone who has teenagers would not only recall this advertisement, but wish that Calgon was truly the panacea for the irks that a non-adult child inspires, especially, but not limited to, those aged 13 to 19. Grrr.


If Calgon doesn’t have the goods to make the litany of, "I don't have any socks, there’s someone at the door, I need a ride to the DMV, I need a ride to my friend's house, the dishwasher is overflowing, what's for dinner, I'm hungry," go away, I have a couple of suggestions that qualify at least as band-aids, and you have my personal guarantee that they’ll taste better than whatever advice cranky Dr. Phil serves up on his TV show.



Speaking of advice, if I were writing for Dear Abby, I suspect it would go something like this:

Dear “Graeby,”
My kids are driving me crazy, and I can’t afford to send them to boarding school or go to the Canyon Ranch for a week. I need an affordable respite from them, the dog and the house. What do you suggest?
Sincerely,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,
You need some pampering! Dress in comfy clothes (jeans count), and go to Water and Wine Ristorante in none other than beautiful Watchtung, NJ, for a 1PM lunch, where you’ll soon realize that you’ve come to the right place. You’ll enter a room greeted by sweet, smilin’ faces, and the only questions asked are ones like, “Would you enjoy a glass of wine while you wait for your table which will be ready in two minutes?” Or, “Do you prefer sparkling or still water?” How about, “Would you like a seat by the window? Maybe more bread?” Best of all, “Would you prefer the 2008 Ducru-Beaucaillou decanted, or should I simply go ahead and pour it?”



(Can I just say that this is true bliss?) Once you utter a resounding “Yes” to all of the above, you’ll know that you are well on your way to dumping the stress that has you walking around like a modern day Ed Sullivan. It will be no time at all before you begin gazing out the picture window onto Watchung Lake, shoulders calmly moving downward from your earlobes. As you bite into a decadent Wagyu Kobe Beef hamburger, they will descend further, and further still after you take your first sip of the 2008 Chateau Ducru-Beaucaillou from Bordeaux. With its soft tannins and pronounced fruit, it will help you discover that your neck – the one that’s been hiding like a frighten sea turtle – is now fully visible again. Ahhhhhhh. Now that's how I spell Relief! Take that, Calgon!

P.S.: Here's my tip on remembering how to pronounce Ducru-Beaucalliou: (dah-cru bo-kah-you).